Appoinments

Home is suppose to be a place where no harm can come. The feeling of hopelessness was to much to hold. My next doctor appointment came on Thursday. I layed on a bed. An IV in my arm. Shots in my thighs. Special type of oxygen in my nose. Lasted about one hour. Told to come back next week. I walked out with many prescriptions that needed to be filled. As my mother drove me home I felt like crying. But no - tough Doved won't cry. Next day in yesheva, my Rebbe asked me how my appointment went. I told him it went ok. Three days later I fainted again. I didn't tell anyone this time. I thought that I just blacked out like everyone does once in a while. After my next appointment (which i didn't even tell them that I fainted again), I fainted again, and again and again. I couldn't take it any longer. What was happening to me?! To Be Continued....

Blood and Passing Out

People like to talk. Not listen. We enjoy talking about ourselves. The experiences we've gone through. But only if we come out as the hero. If we look bad in the story, we will never share it. In my case, I didn't care of how I looked in this story. I would tell my Rebbe everything. If I was wrong or right, didn't matter. I somehow knew he cared and it didn't matter how bad I looked. My night sader chavrusa, Ari, who is about five years older than me, happened to be my Rebbe's first cousin. They were very close. They seemed almost like brothers. But i always worried that my situation would get back to Ari. He was one of those older guys who was very popular but deep down still has a heart of gold. One night in the middle of night sader i felt my nose start to bleed. I felt all weak, like i was going to faint or something. I excused myself. Ran to the bathroom. Locked myself in a stall and sat on the floor. I felt all the blood leave my face and so very weak. I blacked out. I woke up a few minutes later, i woke up and felt a little better. I went back to the Bais Medresh as if nothing happened. Next day, I came home during my lunch break. No one was home. Again, the same feeling. My nose started to bleed. Covering my cloths in blood. I stood up a walked to the kitchen to get a tissue. Bam! I hit the floor. I passed out again. The blood trailed from my nose on the kitchen floor. While I was "out". My mother came in the house with groceries. She saw me laying in the kitchen covered in my own blood. She started shrieking, calling my name, holding my hand. TO BE CONTINUED...

My little chat

Why does everyone think that they are the smartest in the world. Never ask for directions . Never ask for help. We think that we can do it all ourselves. My Rebbi wanted to talk. Of course I knew what it was about.
"Daved" He said. "What is it? What is going on with you?"
Should I tell him? Na. No one is to know.
"Nothing, why?" I said nonchalantly. I knew he wouldn't buy that. Who was I kidding? My Rebbe, I would say, is in his upper thirties and very down to earth. One of those few Rabaim who can actually relate to people half their age.
"Come on, Doved. I'm worried for you. Please tell me whats bothering you." He said
Very lightly I said. "I went to the doctor the other day and I'm a little nervous, that's really all." I didn't tell him to much. At least not yet. Honestly, it felt so good telling him. The little bit I told him just felt like a load off my shoulders. I saw him deep in thought. He was quiet for a moment and then asked of a little more details. I told him that there is nothing to worry about. Why did I tell him that? I was worried plenty. I guess because I don't like to be some NEBACH case. All in all, I felt so much happier i told him. I plastered on a fake smile for the rest of the day and continued on. TO BE CONTINUED...